B I R D - F L U

Someone call a paramedic,

This is an epidemic,

No, what's it called....? Pandemic

No...I think its an Endemic?

All of these scientists fancy words,

about the deadly birds,

but from what I've heard you'd have to swallow their turds,

to suffer the deadly affects from 'Bird-flu' Quick, get the Nurse!

So you'd have to chew on an infected birds bowells,

If you see an infected bird call the government after, you've hit with a trowel,

Because the effects from eating poultry foul can be foul,

whether it's affected all birds including Owls!?

Our son is ill, what have you fed him?

Chicken Kievs? Christ he's a dead 'un!

Come on, love, to the hills we are headin'

We must flee the feathers of armageddon!

Worst Case Scenario

So I think I'm a bit of an entertainer, I give aV-sign to a woman--I had a 'no brainer'
But she's not blind, she's a guide-dog trainer, Now my mates have got to restrain her!

I'm giving my monkey a spanking, On what happend next I wasn't banking,
For humility, it's God that I'm thanking, My mum caught me wanking!

At work, flirting, feels good and its fun, Pointing at a fat customer with a massive bum,
"Urgh, she's rough, fat, fucking, scum!" Girls says; "That's my mum"

But if I do get with a fit, young, tart, And we're about to start,
She opens her legs wide apart....And I let out a rough fart!

Meeting In-laws for the first time then, Oh dear, My worst fear,
Got to their toilet coz of diohrea! Her Dad goes in just after; "What 'ave you done in here!?"

Like a papercut on the webbing of your right hand, it's the worst case scenario that I can't stand!

Debbie King

She's on late at night--maybe she needs the money? Should be on early coz she's really funny. She's quick-witted and cunning, And she's absoloutely stunning.

She's not just cute, she's deceptively astute,
there can be no dispute, about her quips and knowledge to boot!

She is very polite, to watch she's a delight,
even if it's late at night, I recomend that you have a look at her website.

Her humour is quite sureal, maybe that's her appeal, I'd love to take her out for a meal, eventually my girlfreinds heart will heal (soz dawn)

She makes my heart sing, With her subtle joking, she should present E4 or somthing, (again)
Here's to the (as yet) unrecognised legend; Debbie King.

Birmingham 1-0 Sunderland

Don't think much of Sunderland,
They're not exactly in wonderland,
More like Blunder-land,
But they're a fair team- not under-hand.

I was a bit hungover and feeling ill,
That was until,
Heskey made it 1-0,
If we were any good we'd've gone in for the kill.

Threat of relegation is still very real,
Transfer window has closed, no more deals,
We're still in trouble, I feel,
We need more goals from the mighty Emile.

IDI AMIN (1923-2003)

If you thought that things were bad in Rwanda,
Have a gander at the violent commander,
Like bamboo being ripped up by a panda,
The man they called 'Big-Daddy' The President of Uganda!

Lean, mean and venting spleen since he was a teen,
For power he was keen,
Look at the lines and read between,
Of how he added meaning to the word 'Mean'
Africa's answer to Adolf Hitler was Idi Amin!

X-Girlfriend

When I first met her I was keen, if you know what I mean, I was horny and in my teens,
But she turned out to be a violent machine, she tried to bite off my cock through my jeans,
upon me she was always venting spleen, she was more phycotic than, fucking, Idi Amin!

She'd've chopped me up like firewood, enjoying every sickening 'thud', laughing at my squirting blood, pouring out like a flood! I knew I should, but didn't know if I could, in the end I would, leave her for my own good!

Magic Mushrooms

Nick, Emily and me, ate 'shroom after 'shroom,
Until the room went boom,
Eventually paranoia would loom,
And it was to be all doom and gloom.

Listening to Eminem, watching 'That Peter Kay thing'
We (literally) couldn't stop laughing,
Was I tripping? Or could I smell the phone ringing?
Then I heard Emily starting to sing.

We'd pushed it too far,
Emily was playing the guitar,
Singing 'Cum-by-ah'
By then Nick and me, we were well below par.

I dropped my opinion on the floor,
I said: "I don't think we should take any more..."
Emily said: "You can't, you ate 'em all"
In my head it felt like good and evil were at war.

I looked down at Nick,
she had started bringing up sick,
"Why did you make us take so many, you prick!?"
I was a mess and my eyes were playing tricks.

Three hours later, Nick said: "That was scary, son."
But we were okay, no real long-term damage done,
Spine-chilling, sureal, evil...yet fun.
So wierd, it was like magic, exscuse the pun.

Me and my big cock and my girlfriend's mouth

My girlfriend is such a little treasure,
when I'm feeling under the weather,
Like 'Mars' she gives me the pleasure,
That you can't measure.

Speaking of 'measure' I'm about 8.5 inches,
She sucks most and the rest she pinches,
It gives me these electric twinges,
When we're finished, her jaw aches and she whinges!

In her mouth is where my cock gets put,
She takes it in turn to play with each nut,
In bed she can be such a little slut,
That's why her and me are staying put.

I D

I asked the lad for a beer,
"You need ID if you wanna drink here,"
"You're under-age" he sneered.
"I think I've made myself clear."

I've been drinking in here for eight years,
I'm only having a couple of quiet beers,
This "publican law states...."bollocks is boring me to tears,
He refuses to serve me; the sum of all fears.

Come on, mate, I've had a growth spurt,
I am no longer a little squirt,
Don't think you're hard in your fake Armani shirt,
"Not servin' ya, its more than my job's worth!"

Well, I refuse to go,
but I have to drink J20,
which I drink slow,
my self-esteem is low.

Soon my ego is on the mend,
because its nice to see old friends,
even if the barman has driven me round the bend,
daydream about him being run over, its fun to pretend!

I decide to leave, it's been sound,
finally my taxi has been found,
I'm off, now, homeward bound,
so I leave the fucking Hare and Hounds!

Wembley Stadium

Birmingham city council said: "We'll do it for free"
There's no need for a new Wembley,
That will cost a six-hundred million spending spree,
But London said: "Trust me, Birmingham! Don't worry!"

Why isn't somebody sue-ing?
After London said: "We know what we're doing!"
Look at how much cash those builders are spewing!
Fuck me, the economy is ruined!

It would've made sense, Birmingham is in the middle.
Now the tax-payers are getting fiddled,
It made perfect sense, it's not like it's a riddle,
Why do we feel (in brum) like we've been diddled?

Birmingham would've built it in inside eighteen months,
Now London's pulling another Millenium Dome stunt,
Cockney builders have got some front,
Why didn't you let us build it you, fucking cunts!?

Birmingham didn't get it, what a surprise.
The FA, the builders and the government telling lies.
The new Wembley isn't ready on time.
Well done, London. Why don't you fuck off and die!

I hate Kanye West

Kanye West is a knob,
spouts shit when he opens his gob,
How did he get a rap job?
He isn't ghetto, he's a snob!

What about that bollocks 'Gold-digger'?
And how has that shite made his profile bigger?
In the music business where does he figure?
I bet he's never ever, ever ever, ever ever pulled a trigger!

Sorry Kanye, you're a joke,
No-one wants a boyfriend who is, fucking, broke,
So calm down, have a smoke,
Fuck it you're a rapper- have some coke!

Come on Kanye, give me a test,
Come on be my guest,
I hate you, Kanye West,
If I get a gun, you'd better buy a bullet-proof vest.

No-one will remember him when he's grey and older,
Even if his lyrics get a little bolder,
If he was eating a battered cod and it was getting colder,
he'd leave the chips coz he's got one on his shoulder!

Sorry Dad (rap)

Dad comes in holding a cup of tea, says: "Flush the bog when you 'ave a wee"
Sniffs like a dog on a lead says: "Phew-ee, It stinks of weed!?"
It does indeed, due to my skunk related greed.

I start nervously itching, Waiting for him to start bitching,
As his nose is twitching, Tell him a lie- as truth can be stranger than fiction,
This situation needs quickly fixing, Coz my bedroom smells like Brixton!

My blood pressure starts to increase, I wish the smell would cease,
Coz he used to be in the Police, if he knows I'll get no peace,
I'll get a bollocking at least, coz about spending money on weed he can be a beast.

He believes in Fatherly love, but if push comes to shove,
It'll take more than a white dove, to stop the boxing glove,
Trust me he used to batter his older bruv, like a fighter jet attacking from above!

Sorry, Dad for being sly, yeah a bit of skunk I did buy,
I shouldn't really lie, I let out a sigh,
And wonder why, that I still feel the need to get high?!

Thanks Parents

Thanks for helping me find work, and putting up with every little quirk,
thanks for not going beserk even when I've been a little jerk.

Thanks for not minding when I'm around, because I shouldn't've come homeward bound,
I need to just get my feet back on the ground, so thanks for being so sound.

Les Sealey- Mr Angry

Born 29th september in Bethnal Green, He grew up a cheeky cockney, on the field he was mean,
But it proved to help his team, Even if all he did was scream.

Still can't believe he's gone its such a shame, especially for his wife Elaine,
He is a massive loss for this game, I will always remember his name.

With the fans he was a smash, because he didn't leave the pitch when his leg was gashed,
When he signed for Blues-I was prepared to pay good cash, when he left my hopes were dashed.

I was lucky enough to watch him play a couple of times, now here he is in one of my rhymes,
some of his saves were sublime, thats why the fond memories of him are mine.

West Sham United 3-0 Birmingham

Come on Brucie, have a word,
we are are playing, fucking, turd.

Upfront we had Mikel 'The Forss'
we'd've been better off with Inspector Morse.

It went 0-2 when Latka made a fuck up,
At least we're still in the FA Cup,

I want to turn this frown upside-down,
but if the premiership was a river- we'd've drowned.

We're so toothless, it does my head in,
Oh well, at least we beat Reading.

Holly Willoughby

She's the best thing for when you wake up horny,
gives me a reason to watch tele on saturday morning.

I love it when she ends up with cream pie on he face,
She loves mucking about and I love her because she's ace.

Since I saw that photo of her sucking on a lolly,
I've wanted to marry the presenter called Holly.

Claire Sweeney

I'd love to be invited to her house,
I'd just stare at her tits as she muses in scouse.

Sitting with her, I'd just sit and stare,
Thinking about how much I love her hair.

If she were on e-bay, I'd've bought her,
I'd wash her then drink the bath water.

I want her so much she makes my pants creamy,
The TV presenter called Claire Sweeney.

Birmingham 0-2 Arsehole

Like the old song explains; Arsenal are a bore,
and they're faggot players just roll around on the floor.

Lemon flapped at most crosses because he can't handle,
and they were without their precious runaway Sol Campbell.

They scored a goal but I can't remember his name,
all I know is that it completely turned the game.

By quarter to five I was feeling the chill,
from the weather and, by then, the score was two-nil!

Late on the game was made really tough,
When Flamini play-acted to get Heskey sent off.

It been just another season, littered with defeats,
because Wenger and his faggots are a bunch of fucking cheats!

Obese City

Wow, fuck me! You found some clothes that fit!
So, who cares you're still a fat shit.

"I only have to look at food and I put on weight!"
Well, lets hope you go blind before its too late!

You say that supermodels just look ill,
At least they aren't out of breath and sweating, even when they stand still!

Because you're obese you're heart can't survive,
You're fucked and you'll dead before you're thirty-five!

So you're paying for it now, you made the mistake,
But you cannot rectify being addicted to cake!

Muslim Terrorists

Some people believe you can kill someone with an AK-47,
and still are welcomed into the kingdom of Heaven?

You can't change someone's minds, they're entitled to an opinion,
Who are you to question their religion?

I am not advocating any terrorist stunts,
in my opinion; all murderers are cunts.

That cartoon is offensive; saying that Mohammed was lying,
Remember the Church of Englands reaction to the Life of Brian?!

People say they should be sent home, Muslims should be leaving,
Whatever happend to 'stand up and fight for what you believe in'?

I think that God or Allah would want all this violence to cease,
I thought that, on Earth, our God would want peace.

Euro-Lottery £125 million Rollover

13...16...23...35...45...8 and 5,
those are the numbers that make me feel so alive.

If I win the Euro-Lottery draw,
never again will I be fucking poor.

I'd be smoking thirty joints a day, people doing what I say,
Telling people its my way or the highway.

Getting high would be funny, until my brain went runny,
getting girls as sweet as honey, because of all my money.

If I had a shit load of cash, no more hopes getting dashed,
I'd always be out on the lash and smoking skunk instead of hash.

Since I'd won this Euro-Lottery,
All that I'd've heard was insincere flattery...

Now I've lost the people I really care about,
I'd be paranoid, my whole life would be in doubt.

Thinking about it; I hope I don't win...
...hang on what am I saying?!

West Midlands Police v Broad street Zombies

police radio:EMERGENCY, EMERGENCY, CALLING ALL CARS!!!!!!
KICKIN' OFF EVERYWHERE, CHAOS IN ALL THE BARS!!!!

GET DOWN 'ERE AS SOON AS YOU CAN.....
WE NEED ARMED RESPONSE TO SURPRESS THIS CLAN!!!!

This wasn't right, not an average pub-fight,
this was judgement day on a fridday night!

I saw a man slurring, he could hardly talk,
then I twigged; the dead have begun to walk!

I watched him eat the brains out of a girls head,
I was in the grip of panic as I was attacked by the walking dead!

A copper tried to repel him using his pepper spray,
I said; "Fuck that, you'll be here all day!"

He pulled out his 'Casco' and hit the zombie in the face,
it fell down twitching, brains all over the place!

The plain clothes Detective went on a killing spree,
yelling; "Get stuck in boys, follow me!"

A hundred coppers rampaged, bashing Zombies to shit,
members of the public joining in every Zombie getting hit.

I found a 'Casco' and tried to help them out,
but I'm not hard; my own ability in doubt.

Surrounded by Zombies I panicked and started to cry,
Then gunshots rang out, I couldn't believe my eyes!

I'd thought I was dead, now armed police had arrived,
They massacred the Zombies hoardes and I survived.

24-Hour Garage

I shuffle along in the deep, crisp, snow.
Looking for the 24-hour garage, which way do I go?

Need a peppered steak slice and a packet of skins,
Its so cold, hands have got needles and pins.

A police car goes by slowly, they stare at me,
because I'm inside an office doorway; having a wee.

"Go home to use the toilet if you need a piss..."
"...you're cock'll get frostbite when its as cold as this."

I apologise to the officers, because I made yellow snow,
So to the garage, off I go.

I find the garage, I'm there at last,
time for awkward conversation through four-inch glass.

He slides my shopping through the security draw,
six-pounds, fifty-seven! Bastard, now I'm poor.

Eventually get home, burn a spliff and watch Trisha,
Then bed to have a wank over Isla Fischer.

The Arrangement

With abroken wrist, I can't give my monkey a spank,
she said: "For twenty quid, love, I'll give ya a wank."

At least she took pity on me, I have her to thank,
but when I need a tug, I have to go to the bank.

It started off wierd, but eventually it was quite normal,
she was like a business woman, very formal.

After a while it was costing alot of money,
two-thousand pound overdraft is not very funny.

Excuse the pun but it was getting out of hand,
this wasn't how I'd planned it; its cost me two-grand.

After a few months, her technique was perfect,
and she started throwing in extra's; such as flirting.

Somtimes she was naked, somtimes fully clothed,
Somtimes she liked it, somtimes it was loathed.

Eventually my wrist got better,
but still when horny, I went to get her.

One day I said; "I no longer need it."
She looked offended and said; "come here let me de-seed it."

"I can't do this anymore, II'm not being funny..."
She said; "Fuck you, I rely on this money!"

"Come on get it out I'll wank you off twice for the smae price!"
I said; "I'm sorry, but I've met a girl I like her, she's nice..."

She said; "I'll grass you up, I'll break this taboo!"
I said; "Whho'll look worse, me or you?"

She started crying and trying to do deals,
We were both in the wrong, I know how she feels.

Cheap 3ltr bottle of sparkling white wine

This drink is the best, cheap, quick way of getting yourself drunk,
it makes you think things that you shouldn't have thunk.

It makes you laugh and talk loads of bollocks,
Student drink of choice for fun and frollicks.

You shouldn't but you do, drink it and get stoned,
You end up phoning people you shouldn't have phoned.

Its not a nice aroma, in fact it stinks,
thats why its got the stigma of bing one of the crap drinks.

But its so popular mainly because its cheap,
its the best way that I know to get me to fall asleep.

I'm drinking it now and thats why I'm pissed,
soon my vision will go and I'll have to fight the mist.

My favourite way to drink it, is from a pint glass,
due to being a heavy measure, its ideal to get you smashed.

I'll stop rhyming now; because I'm not sober,
I'm not an alchy....but I hope this is never over.

Lapdance, Fat chance.

Hardons, I get them all the time...I get them for free,
strippers give you a hardon, but its a spending spree.

Strippers are pointless,
you get a hardon, now where can I point this?

If I touch you with it, I'll get thrown out,
by that Doorman who'd enjoy a one-sided wrestling bout.

Must resist playing with it, I'm doing my best,
but I'm getting horny staring at her chest.

Trying not to jizz as long as this dance lasts,
maybe I can get home and finnish over babecast.

I wonder if her tits are even real,
forget about it, she won't let you have a feel.

To be fair I don't think I've ever seen a nicer arse,
but I can do a thing; this is a farce.

What a moody fucking whore,
and now she's left me absolutely poor.

She's a wanker

She's always doing it when she comes back from the bank,
She goes to her room for a sly, cheeky, wank.

Like a kid with her favourite toy,
that she uses as a substitute for a boy.

She has another in the evening so she stays entertained,
Her only problem in life is keeping alkaline maintained.

She's not impressed with flowers or flattery,
She'll be happy if you buy her some batteries.

Pelvis Parasites

I can still remember when I got crabs,
"Its OK" said the doctor "we've done tests in labs!"

"We found a way to wipe them out,
They'll be dead by wednesday, without a doubt."

"Shaving pubes is no good. They lay eggs in your pores."
"But, heck, this is what happens, if you sleep with whores!"

I didn't shag a whore, or anyone, to get this disease!
Doctor just cure me, will you, please?!

He gave me a lotion that burned me like hot lava,
But apparently it kills crabs and they're lavae.

It burns your balls, your pelvis, your arse and your cock,
"Leave it for 20 minutes" I want to speed up the clock.

Within three days; all the crabs were dead,
Meanwhile I went about disinfecting my bed!

Finally I thought, I can relax,
without the irritation of itchy testicle sacks.

She's fallen to the Communists

She's ill, with a weary head,
She's ill, she's on her pe-ri-od.

She's horny as fuck but doesn't want to shag,
This time of the month is starting to drag.

Sitting on the sofa eating chocolate and watching 'Friends'
Her menstral cycle is now cycling me around the bend.

She's not that ill, not like when I had that caugh,
I know it hurts but she could at least wank me off!

She's angry again so I exit the room,
I creep out just like the lining of her womb.

Once again she goes too nuts to mention,
when I said "So is a blow-job out of the question?"

Dave's Sister 5.1.05.

I've got to tell you about my mate's sister,
My fantasy is to watch her play 'Twister'

She lies on the sofa eating cola-cubes,
Knows she's teasing me; pushing out her boobs.

She looks really sexy, when she smokes her fags,
She looks really sexy when displaying her fun-bags.

It's not fair; she's so fucking pretty,
She'll never be mine, it's such a pity.

The wierd thing is, she looks just like Dave!
Is it wrong then, that I want to be her sex slave?

My Attorney

Ever since I met my, faithful, Attorney
Our lives have passed a momentous journey.

Trials and tribulations,
in many locations.

Only Preston, St.Helens, Liverpool and Brum,
all the while we had quality fun.

We get a bit drunk and everything's 'okey-dokey'
We have a few more and it's karaoke.

Whether it's my heart, health or finance; he helps it to mend,
Everyone should have one; an Attorney and best friend.

Nicci's mate 14.1.05.

She's got black hair and a tatoo on her gut,
and she's a really nice girl; not a slut.

She's one of those girls, you'd believe her lies,
probably because of her gorgeous, come-to-bed, eyes.

I'll never forget her formal inroduction,
"This is the girl who had the breast-reduction"

It made no difference, still got big tits,
I chatted her up all night and had her in bits.

Wanted so badly to get her into my bed,
but she fucked off with some aussie twat instead

She's lovely, from runcorn and her name is Gill,
Haven't seen her for months, but I think of her still.

I was wrong

Its not okay just because you say it out loud,
you hide your guilt behind a shroud.

It doesn't make you appear not strong,
Just because you admit that you're wrong.

We're only human, we all make mistakes,
and it does hurt whenever someone's heart breaks.

It might be immediate or it might take ages,
if you've got time on your hands; you go through stages.

You have to say it: it's on the tip of your tongue,
I know because I can admit it, now, I was wrong.

The Dentist

He says: "Come on then, Phil..."
pats the chair and reaches for his drill,
"There is a tooth to fill..."
I hold the nurses hand, this is gonna kill!

I try to block out pain with all my will,
As the nurse smiles and tries to hold me still,
"Relax, Phil, I've got skill..."
As blood, lead and spit begin to spill!

"Halfway there have a drink and a swill."
numb-cheek, spit blood and feel ill,
Sharp, cold, shooting pain and I let out a little shrill,
Please stop this pain; with an injection or a pill?!

Finally it's over: "Okay, that looks brill!"
After all that pain, have to pay an extortionate bill!

Prawn Sandwich

So I have to get up at seven in the morning,
and go to the city centre to do cold calling,

I get on the bus,
but only because I must.

Don't like to think of myself as work-shy,
but having this job is making me want to cry.

Wearing a suit with a shirt and tie,
Can I really live my life as a lie?

Telesales in an office is my worst fear,
I've made up my mind; I don't belong here.

Liverpool 1-1 Birmingham

Early on Johnson gets a red card,
off Uriah Rennie; the retard.

Now they're going to beat us easy,
we go 1-0 down and I start to feel queasy.

Late on we get one off Alonso's head,
Like his shirt; his face was red!

We needed Taylor to make save after save,
throwing his arms about like he was at a rave.

For the scousers it was not to be for Robbie Fowler,
to say nothing of Xabi Alonso's howler.

When Gerrard scored I thought our chances were gone,
but final score Liverpool one, Birmingham one.