National Express

I get out my ticket, wrapped up in two fiver's,
and hand it ovr to one of the glaswegan drivers,

As I step aboard I wonder whats in the offing,
the usual array of scum; swearing and caughing?

I'm overwhelmed by the smell of cheese and onion crisps,
surely there's a better way to travel than this?!

Don't get me wrong, National Express do good deals,
But you travel on a doctor's waiting room on wheels!

Scallies in trackies; downing lager and bleating,
To those who oppose them; the offer of a beating!

A woman with a child that's spluttering and wheasing,
Iinterspersed with whining and it keeps, fucking, sneezing!

It's annoying and really, fucking, boring, boring,
The bloke next to me; keeps, fucking, snoring!

Some bastard farts and it fucking wreaks!
I've got to get off, before I murder these, fucking, freaks!

CLONING AROUND

If only you could see my plans in the pictures I've drawn,
First DNA samples- then dozens are born!
It would be ace if I could Clone Dawn,
We could make incestuous, lesbian porn!

One Dawn could drive me everywhere- what a treat,
While I'm having a threesome with her on the backseat!
The only problem; Cloning's not very discreet,
But I am not about to concede defeat.

Even if one of them was a real moaner,
I'll just make her my 'personal' Organ-Donor,
After all I'm the one who Cloned her,
Like carrier pigeons, I'd never have to phone her!

Each time an embryo burst from its pod,
I'd be paranoid about a visit from Plod,
Arrested for Cloning; silly sod,
Isn't it madness to try to play God!?

For crimes against humanity; not easily disguised,
Found "guilty" at The Hague; I wouldn't be surprised,
and worse by now the Clones' periods have synchronised,
Judge slams down the gavel; "Now meet your demise!!!"

Summer in Jersey

All summer at home, I would've gone beserk,
Thank God in Jersey; they offered me work!

Five weeks of posh wanking,
and guilt free Off-Shore banking.

How can you lose, with a Booze-Cruise,
an afternoon snooze and going to "Do's"

This was an opportunity not to be missed,
Five weeks of fun on an island, getting pissed!

Scallie Nutter in the student union

Its not rocket science, if he's drinking rocket-fuel,
stood by the corner pocket, while they're playing pool,
The young, ugly, scallie uses the que as a violent tool,
Challenging all students to a duel,
Don't stare at him, thats the Golden rule,
He can't help being sadistic and cruel,
He's as thick as a fucking mule,
He is a useless, fucking, fool,
and he doesn't like you because you're cool,
if I were you; I'd pick up that stool.....
because he's coming over and he's after at you!

Sangria

I'll tell you about the drink that I've bought,
and despite all the things I've been taught,
I enjoy losing the power of rational thought,
and I accept it with the grace that a criminal accepts being caught.

Says on the bottle its imported from Spain,
but because it causes great kidney pain,
it was extradicted-let me explain....
how of (my life) this drink is now the bane!

Even though its only 10%
I should ask my next of kin's consent,
as I go down the dark, spiral descent,
and enter the drink of the discontent.

Its potent and comes from a grape vine,
So it gets me drunk in no time,
I go from feeling fine,
to borderline,
You don't have to be Einstein,
to realise that red wine,
has put me in a far-from-fine decline!

In the morning I wake,
and groan; "for fuck's sake...."
and I have a hideous headache,
due to yet another Sangria mistake.

Jersey Beans (I'm only messin')

Everyone in jersey has loads of cash,
yet it still costs £30 for an 8th of hash,

People are too laid back- and smoke Silk Cut Red,
and are always paralaetic as they fall into bed,

They still use the old £1 notes,
and everyones obsessed with fucking boats,

They look like french peasants from Stella Artois ads,
and there's alot of homo-eroticism eminating from the lads,

The girls are fit and and lap up the attention,
but they are twats and reak of pretension.

World War 2 the Nazi's occupied with no mercy,
Shame they left, it could've been fun in Jersey!

Current State of Affairs

I'm still having to wear this cage,
I've had it on for quite an age,
It still fills me with intense rage,
But they take it off soon, nearly at 'that' stage!

Recently I've felt like less of a skank,
Because I've got nearly £400 in the bank,
and I've got Dawn to thank,
for playing with my nuts whilst I have a wank!

Its all good, despite having pins and needles,
and a foot like the hand of Jeremy Beadle's!

FRUIT-MACHINE

The lads relentlessly spin the fruit,
in a vain attempt to win the loot,
abandon the machine-give it the boot,
and off to a kebab, shop we should scoot.

Sorry dude,
don't mean to be rude,
I'm just not in the mood,
I just want to go and get some food!

Dont want to be mean,
but its not my scene,
I cant pretend to be keen,
about losing quids in a fruit machine.

I'm not going to hold a grudge,
but lads you just will not budge,
saying; "hold on, got another 'nudge'..."
wasting money, but who am I to judge?

Fair play, they've won £30, can I borrow some cash?
I tip my cigarette, trainer covered in ash,
as I stagger to go for a slash,
I should've stayed in, not gone out on the lash!

FUSSBALL

My ankle is in plaster, but i can manage,
despite it being cold here in the garage,

My mate Dave has got a 'Fussball' table,
I'm semi-crippled but still I'm able.

At either end is a tiny hole,
that is where you have to score a goal.

It was a lot of fun just getting stoned,
playing 'Fussball' on our own.

Suddenly it was midnight- doesn't time fly?
When your having fun and your very high!

Correction

I seem to have made a schoolboy error,
about a man who used to cause terror.

I can believe it, I feel so silly,
I made a mistake, Pinochet's from Chile!

MORPHINE

I take my medicine and smoke some hash,
Its the best way if your short on cash.

Morphine turns my legs to jelly,
Gives me butterflies in my belly,
As I watch the tele
and try and wank over Lorraine Kelly.

So I ly prone,
and alone,
really stoned,
listening to the tv drone.

These are the benefits of Morphine,
and I drift off into a nice scene,
I'm having a trippy dream,
and its beutiful and serene.

Self-Deprecation

In my rhymes I have a go at everyone else,
to redress the balance I'll have a go at myself.

Wasted six years at university which is a fair while,
and I've got a haircut like a paedophile.

I'm a cripple, wrong feet so I walk funny,
my biggest problem is that I've got no money.

I'm a bit skinny and I'm really pale,
And I dress like I get my clothes at a jumble sale.

My footy team are shite and will never lift the FA Cup,
and due to morphine; I can't get my cock up.

I've got no rhythm- so I'm a shit dancer,
I smoke so much I'll probably die of cancer.

I wish I was somthing I know I'll never be,
If I was a horse; by now they'd've shot me!

Rhyme about smoking

I'm not being ironic and I'm not joking,
when I explain how much I love smoking.

Fair enough, getting addicted was a mistake,
But I don't think of that when I'm going on my fag-break!

Whether its ciggies, rollies, skunk or resin,
Its my best way to unwind, honestly, no messing.

From the feeling I get when I'm taking drags,
To that feeling I get when I buy duty-free fags.

Its bad for my health, like so many things....
I'll enjoy it while I can and see what the future brings.

Sir Walter Raleigh discovered the tobacco plant,
I'm going to burn one-this is the end of my rant!