One-night-stands are awkward

As she awkwardly unzips her knee-highs,
She feels my cock and I know she's asessing my size,
Is it what she expected or is it a pleasant surprise?
Is this a one-night-stand with no strings and no ties?

She says that she has cum but I'm sure its all lies,
I think she faked it all the way through, all those moans and sighs,
I'm not bothered either way semen's going to rise,
Out of my japs-eye onto her stomach it flies.

I wonder how many guys have been between her thighs?
I didn't wear a jonnie- was that wise?
I couldn't really ask the 'who, how, what where and whys?'
I feel nervous but its an emotion I have to disguise.

She's just a slut and one night stands are upon what she relies,
I look into her cold, dark, eyes,
As we say our uncomfortable goodbyes,
When I leaveI bet she goes back to bed and just cries!

Birmingham 0-7 (SEVEN) Liverpool

As a club we are fucked, Back of the net the ball constantly tucked,
We're out of the cup, the away end erupts.

It hurts me to say, but Brucie can't stay,
I know he wants to fight another day,
But we're going to get thrashed again on saturday.

Are we going to stay up? I have my doubts,
And out of the cup we've been knocked out,
These wankers have given us a clout,
We even let in two from Peter, fucking, Crouch!

This shite fucking, takes the, fucking, piss....
Supporting Blues has always been far from bliss,
But never been as depressing as this,
And I've just got another text message from someone taking the fucking piss!

Birmingham 0-2 Spurs

I shouldn't vent spleen on my own team,
But Mario Melchiot is a has-been, it would seem.

Melchiots lines were fluffed, so once again we got stuffed.
We haven't got the right stuff, survival will be tough.

I quite like the Jews although I hate to lose,
Heard the sound of boo's because of the poor performance from Blues.

Things have gone from bad to worse,
After this defeat by Spurs,
Are we still under the Gypsy curse?
This is nearly the end chapter and verse.

FOOD POISONING

Hi this is Phil, I'm really ill,
I've taken a headache pill, But vomit continues to spill.

YOU'RE TAKING THE MICK, BY CALLING IN SICK,
DON'T TAKE ME FOR A PRICK, COZ I DON'T MISS A TRICK!

I can't come to work, Which drives me beserk,
Should be at my desk like the other clerks, But I can't because stomach hurts!

YOU'RE ATTITUDE IS CAK, YOU'RE WORKRATE IS SLACK,
BY LUNCHTIME IF YOU'RE NOT BACK, YOU'RE GETTIN THE SACK!

I wish I could, dude, And I don't want to be rude,
But I had some badly cooked food, Since I ate it all I've done is spewd!

Birmingham 1-1 West Brom

Now I'm worried about our premiership lifespan,
This performance was a sham,
Worse than the one against West Ham,
Who will go down now? Us or the 'Yam-yams'?

Melchiot was a disgrace,
Couldn't keep up when he had to chase,
Defence was all over the place,
Now were staring relegation in the face!

Fair play to the Baggies they were above par,
So near- yet so far,
Twice they hit the bar,
Finished 1-1 and left an emotional scar.

Middlesboro 1-0 Birmingham

The winner came from Mark Viduka,
He's more annoying than a, fucking, verooka,
I'd like to kill him with a bazooka,
But instead I'll just bitch about him whilst I play snooker (!?)

If only Maik Taylor had come out to smother,
Need divine intervention from Jesus' mother,
Because defeats are coming in one-after-another,
This time we lost to 'Boro.

My girlfriend went to Spain and all she got me was AIDS

Allow me to explain,
About what happend when my girlfriend went to Spain,
She had a good time in the main,
But since she's been back my life's gone down the drain.

It was a holiday 18-30,
Girls will be girls and act all flirty,
To be fair; they're all fucking dirty,
And the lads are scallies getting 'shirty'

To be fair,
She obviously just doesn't care,
Because while she was there,
She allowed her fanny for twelve blokes to share!

Her mate told me; that's how I found out,
At first I had my doubts,
But why would she make up a lie with such a clout,
That centered on my bird shagging about?

So we had a fair-well shag,
And I packed my bag,
Said: "See you later, you fucking slag!"
Didn't realise I'd caught what you get from scag.

I took the test and I failed,
Since then my life's been de-railed,
And I''ve slowed down to the pace of a snail,
This is not a tall tale.

How could things get any worse?
Can't sum it up in any rhyme or verse,
The only thing stopping me from drinking turps,
Is the thought that I met watch her die first!

Bitter

You're like a Chantelle clone,
Lights are on but there's no-one home,
I'd rather be own with porn, smoking a cone and getting stoned.

You're really full of it,
Actually you're full of shit,
You're just a boring tit and I can't stand it one bit!

I can see that you're pretty that is blatant,
But upstairs you're pretty vacant,
Stop telling me all the compliments that you've taken,
You're making me lose my patience.

Seen not heard. You belong in a porn-mag,
Choking on cock--love to see you gag,
Because you're just a slag,
And the only thing you'll look good in is a body-bag!

THE CLASSIC STUDENT HANGOVER

Why did I drink so much booze?
I was bound to lose.
Now I've got the blues,
I just want to snooze,
How did I get this bruise,
Must've been doing stunts like Tom Cruise.

I roll back over in my bed,
Holding my thumping head,
Wish I was dead,
I feel a sense of dread,
Think I've lost my street-cred.

Last night I was ready to rock,
Downing beer and a bottle of 'Hock'
Next time I looked at the clock,
5 am and I was wanking into a sock,
I look down and its still on my cock!

I feel my jaw click,
but, to the roof of my mouth, my tongue sticks,
Tastes like I drank an oil slick,
I'm such a dick,
Never drinking again! I'm not taking the mick,
Oh no...I'm gonna be sick..............WUUUUHHHHHHHHH

Fat Birds

More cushion,
For the pushing,
But there's always fussing,
If you don't get her a pudding.

They've got proper wobbley bits,
Cellulite in their bum looks like it's having epileptic fits,
However their tits,
Fall down into their arm pits!

Always dirty in bed,
Good at giving head,
Coz they think they're getting fed,
And they just eat your cock instead!

PREGNANCY

You've gotta take a pregnancy test,
Don't get stressed, About this mess, But you don't wanna end up like the rest,
Get rid of the pest, Sorry it's for the best, Or do you want a maternity vest,
To cover your swolen breasts?

I know you think I'm not being fair,
Please don't go spare, I do care, Just don't want you to have a vaginal tear,
It's not that rare, Need to get rid of it but where?
You tell me: " Abortion? Don't even go there."
Well it's that or I throw you down the stairs!